Hold who?

The reason I hate practicing mindfulness/meditation is because I have to be still and hold myself the whole time.

If it's not for someone else - my son, a client, a friend, my husband - I wrestle with it. Ok, I hate it.

It is an immediate, innate "lets do this" kind of feeling with it's for others, but truly just giving myself space is a battle I'm tired of fighting. It's so hard that I often just give up and eventually I get to a place of overwhelm and I start shutting down because my nerves are fried.

I've done this dance countless times. I've had to remind myself that I NEED space, and not out of any kind of deficit on my part.

Seriously. An important reminder (from me, to me): we don't need to do mindfulness because we're adopted.

We need it because we are humans.

I think I have this idea that I'm broken and so I've equated this kind of self care with my own "brokenness." That thinking has not helped me. It's the difference between doing something because you are worthless without it, and doing something because it honors you.

And then there's the fact that it is - at least for the first 30 to 60 seconds - incredibly uncomfortable.

There are even days where it is uncomfortable for the entire duration I can possibly stand to practice it.

I remember that it is a practice, and that the refocusing or redirecting I do is not a failure but is part of the practice. There is no one keeping score (or...I guess there shouldn't be, but tell that to the asshole in my head).

I return to the breath. And to myself and I'll just keep trying.

Maybe I won't hate it forever?